I’ve written about it before and I will likely write about it again. I feel like I need to write about it now…my mental health. It seems to crash in and out like waves, sometimes its calm so much as to appear there is no battle with my mental health. Other times the waves are battering around in my head and I can’t stop it. I think the times when all is calm in my head, I take it for granted and I stop all the techniques I put in place. All the things that help me stay balanced then cease to keep me steady. I don’t know when I stopped them, it must have been gradual. I’ve stopped running, I’ve stopped meditating, I’ve stopped blogging, I’ve stopped colouring in and it’s taking it’s toll on me now. I wonder if I had continued with it all would I be feeling this way right now?
Do you ever feel like it’s too much? Like everything is stacked against you? Like nothing you do is ever good enough? Everything you do is criticised? Like it’s all pushing down on you? Like your head is so full it is fit to burst with thoughts spilling out? Like your head is constantly pulsing with the fullness of it? Like you don’t know why anyone likes you? I could go on but I’m guessing either you know or you don’t. I’m at that point where I am feeling so low all the time that I don’t know whether these thoughts are mine or they belong to the depression. This is why I came off the medication last time to have some clarity. I don’t want to go back there, I don’t want all the side effects of the medication, I don’t want it on my medical records. Do you know that because I was once suicidal and self-harmed…that will always be on my record and I am obliged to report it for any health or life insurance. It’s frustrating that I have to relive that every time I need to apply for those.
I need to make that conscious effort to get back on track. I need to stop taking it for granted and get back to the techniques that I know work for me. I began meditating and managed it for a week but I have missed the last 3 days now. I still haven’t got back to my colouring in books even though I bought myself some new pens. I managed a run this week and 2 runs last week so I’m getting there slowly in that regards. I am writing in a mindfulness journey….sometimes but not always. The same old story, I’m not consistent. Life gets in the way, I make excuses and it get harder and harder to jump back into the routine.
Well I’m ready to jump back in now! I’m making the effort again and I am taking time for myself. I’ve stopped social media which I never think helps and stopped contact with certain people which dont make me feel good about myself. I need to help myself and I feel like some people are always pushing me back down. Those arent the type of people that are good for my mental health. I need people who are there for me in private…not just when somebody can see on social media. I need people who are genuine and honest, I have surrounded myself now with wholesome people who are a joy to be around. People who give as much as they receive. I don’t think they realise how much they mean to me despite the fact that I tell them how grateful I am they showed up in my life.
Be thankful for your friends! They are the ones who choose to be by your side! I am thankful for mine. 💛